my world of quietness

I find that everyone has ups and downs, whether or not they want to deal with it or not. For me, my up and downs may seem like nothing compared to a lot of people considering they have been through a lot of crap, but I also feel like I have been through a lot too. You can argue with my that its not a big deal or whatever, but just hear me out. I am just a single person trying to share her experience.

I have always thought that life was unfair and that I always questioned why I was born. I have been born into a middle-class family with both parents, 2 older brothers, and a good neighborhood. So why would I think that I should have not been born? There were and still are many reasons that I think that life is unfair. I was born on a nice summer morning in June. I grew up with a typical household where my brothers beat me, made fun of me, and I was forced to play by myself, since I was an only girl. I thought, ok, its fine, I am used to it. Being by myself that is. I grew up being a very shy person. When I mean shy, I mean, my face would turn red whenever someone said my name. Or I would practically have an anxiety attack if I had to talk to someone other than my family. I was not one to talk to others. So I thought, ok, maybe this is normal, maybe I will grow out of it and become less shy when I grow older.

So, as I got older, it didn't change. I was still shy. My face still turned red whenever possible. But one thing that was hard for me was that it was difficult for me to make friends. I thought, ok, they will probably approach me and talk to me instead of me making the first move. That didn't work. No one approached me because I was too shy and I didn't seem approachable. So one problem with being overly shy was that it was difficult for me to make friends. Everyone has that problem right? Sure. I am pretty sure that everyone in the world has at least that 1 person that they talk to and confide in. A friend that they trust right? Well, I thought I did. Everytime I had a friend, and I mean a close friend, it would later turn out to be and ex-best friend. If I told you how many ex-best friends I lost, it would be at least 3. And when I say close, I mean, to the point that we were hanging out and talking almost everyday. Still now, I don't know what went wrong. Of course, I always blame myself, because in each equation, I am in it, and I am the one that is losing something, a close friend. So in some ways, I think I open myself up too much too fast and the friend pulls away.

So as years pass by while losing these friends, I have learned to close myself up even more than I have already. I don't talk to anyone about my problems, or have anyone to talk to. Well, basically I am afraid to open up to someone to the point that they will think I am just too awkward for them. It has happened to me plenty of times. My shyness makes others avoid me, and my hyper outgoingness(when I do actually show it) scares others away too. Is there a perfect balance between these 2? Will I able to achieve it? Will I ever have friends that I can trust?

Ja ne,

Alice

here we go...

So I got sucked in. I decided, like everyone other person who is bored enough to do this, to start writing a blog. I don't think its anything special or that anyone will read it, but its just there purely for me. So that I can express things I never did or express things people just never knew about me. I don't expect people to read this or say anything about since its just going to be about my life. My personal life. Yes, its another blog about a so-called person's life. I do wonder why people do this in the first place. Do they think others will read it and care? Or that they will sympathize with them? I just don't get it. So why am I writing in here? I have no clue. But when I finally do, I shall tell you. Now here starts my adventure...

Not like its an interesting adventure, or and ACTUAL adventure, but whenever we so something different, we like to call it that. So yes, I shall call it that, MY ADVENTURE. So retarded, yes I know, what I am not so great with creating something fantastic like others.

So here it goes. My story starts off when I decided to leave my home of 24 years. The place where I grew up and have lived all 24 years of my life. I have never left home and I am not the type to make drastic change in my life. I try to avoid change. I like things the way it is. I don't like doing things that make my life more difficult, but for some reason, it just becomes like that. Ok, I have to admit, the things that happen in my life is not as bad as many people out there, but you have to believe me, it is a big deal for me. People who know me, and I mean KNOW ME, know that. However, I am not one to express it, so not many people do know me. Which is another problem, which I will talk about another day.

So last year, around the end of October, I decided to move to Taiwan. I have lived in the US for all my life, and I decided it was time for change. Good? or Bad? Well, that was up to me. I went there with many different reasons. 1. To get some experience teaching English, 2. to go after my dream(which I will eventually say),
3. to get away from all the bad things that has happened to me in the past. Especially the past year(another story). So for me a 24 years old girl afraid of change and leaving my family, especially my 2 adorable nephews and my puppy. Well, After deciding to go to Taiwan, everyone questioned me. Of course, my answer would be, because I need a job and that I wanted to teach English. However, I was still confused more than usual. I never knew what I wanted to do. I enjoyed many things in my life, but I don't have any particular interest that I wanted to pursue.

So to keep a long story short, well...at least I am trying, I have been in Taiwan for over 8 months and I have been working in a cram school for 3 months. And sometimes I wonder what I am doing here. What if my plan doesn't work out? What if I don't have a back up plan by that time? Am I doing the right thing?

Till next time,

Alice