my world of quietness

I find that everyone has ups and downs, whether or not they want to deal with it or not. For me, my up and downs may seem like nothing compared to a lot of people considering they have been through a lot of crap, but I also feel like I have been through a lot too. You can argue with my that its not a big deal or whatever, but just hear me out. I am just a single person trying to share her experience.

I have always thought that life was unfair and that I always questioned why I was born. I have been born into a middle-class family with both parents, 2 older brothers, and a good neighborhood. So why would I think that I should have not been born? There were and still are many reasons that I think that life is unfair. I was born on a nice summer morning in June. I grew up with a typical household where my brothers beat me, made fun of me, and I was forced to play by myself, since I was an only girl. I thought, ok, its fine, I am used to it. Being by myself that is. I grew up being a very shy person. When I mean shy, I mean, my face would turn red whenever someone said my name. Or I would practically have an anxiety attack if I had to talk to someone other than my family. I was not one to talk to others. So I thought, ok, maybe this is normal, maybe I will grow out of it and become less shy when I grow older.

So, as I got older, it didn't change. I was still shy. My face still turned red whenever possible. But one thing that was hard for me was that it was difficult for me to make friends. I thought, ok, they will probably approach me and talk to me instead of me making the first move. That didn't work. No one approached me because I was too shy and I didn't seem approachable. So one problem with being overly shy was that it was difficult for me to make friends. Everyone has that problem right? Sure. I am pretty sure that everyone in the world has at least that 1 person that they talk to and confide in. A friend that they trust right? Well, I thought I did. Everytime I had a friend, and I mean a close friend, it would later turn out to be and ex-best friend. If I told you how many ex-best friends I lost, it would be at least 3. And when I say close, I mean, to the point that we were hanging out and talking almost everyday. Still now, I don't know what went wrong. Of course, I always blame myself, because in each equation, I am in it, and I am the one that is losing something, a close friend. So in some ways, I think I open myself up too much too fast and the friend pulls away.

So as years pass by while losing these friends, I have learned to close myself up even more than I have already. I don't talk to anyone about my problems, or have anyone to talk to. Well, basically I am afraid to open up to someone to the point that they will think I am just too awkward for them. It has happened to me plenty of times. My shyness makes others avoid me, and my hyper outgoingness(when I do actually show it) scares others away too. Is there a perfect balance between these 2? Will I able to achieve it? Will I ever have friends that I can trust?

Ja ne,

Alice