Belonging

So I know I told myself to write in here as much as possible and look me, I hardly ever write in here. I want to write in here everyday, but for some reason, just as I get thoughts on what to write, it is never near a computer and I end up forgetting what to write in this blog. So here I am again, trying to write another blog. This time I had a question floating in my head (as usual). My question, was is easy to move out to Taiwan and start a different life here?? I miss everything from where I live. I miss the holidays, the cooking, and most especially, my family. I guess you can say that was the only thing that made me think twice about leaving. I LOVE my family and I have never been away from home longer than 1 week and even then I was homesick most of the time. I don't know. I guess I am not much of a independent person at all. I don't like being alone and I like sticking close to family. So as I was thinking about this question, this thought came up. I left my home of 24 years to move to Taiwan. Was it hard? No, it wasn't. It wasn't as hard, although leaving my family was harder than anything thing. I had to leave everything I was used to and move somewhere new and different.

As I was leaving for Taiwan, I realized that I was not sad because I didn't have anyone close enough to miss (besides my family). No close friends, no boyfriends, nothing. I realized, there was no one. No one would really miss me if I left. No one would care too much. I really wanted to have that special bond with someone, but I guess it never happened. I have had several relationships with friends, but they all turned out bad. So I have no close friend to miss, or anyone I could call and just chat with. I guess nothing was really holding me back. I guess that was what was sad. I wanted a farewell party, or a big, long hug from friends, but I didn't because I didn't know anyone close enough. I wanted to have that closeness with people, but I never did.

I have always wanted to belong somewhere. I wanted to belong in this world somehow. Even in my family, I wanted to feel like I belong. Yes, I belong in my family by blood, but somewhere was not there. I always felt like an outsider when it came to anywhere I was. I felt like I was different from my family. I was different at school and in society. At home, I was like any normal child; I had school, homework, fights with my brothers, etc... But for some reason, because I felt like and outsider. I was too shy to talk to anyone. My interests were different from my family. Something just wasn't there.

And in school, I grew up being extremely shy. I hated talking to strangers and even more in front of class. I think I actually had social phobia. I would avoid talking at all costs. As I grew older, I realized I was scared of being made fun of, scared of being out of place, and what made it worse, was the fact that I didn't even talk. I wanted to belong somewhere in the world. So I joined clubs because I wanted to feel like I belong. I wanted to feel this closeness to someone, anyone. I guess when I withdrew from people, people thought I was just being weird, and that made it even worse. No one knew what I was going through. I became more distant towards others.

So many that's why I decided to come to Taiwan, to belong somewhere. I know that I still have lots to go, but I want to feel like I belong somewhere in the world. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to have this empty feeling. Sometimes I think to myself, "what does it feel like to be happy?" This simply happiness that people have at times in their lives, I want to know what it feels like. To smile and laugh and forget about stress or problems for that instant, or just have that feeling that you know you belong. I want to belong in this world. This world that has become like this.